Schrödinger's Boss

I heard an odd little snippet of a conversation today on campus.

It happened, as it usually does, when I was walking by the library cafe to get my daily bowl of noodles.

"Well," said one student to the other, "it all sounds nice in theory, but everyone knows the government can't create jobs."

At first, I just disregarded the statement as something I misheard. For instance, a few weeks ago I could have sworn I heard someone say "I'd much rather buy a bag in Paris than some freaky mushroom-thing here in Charlotte." Probably a mistake on my part (I hope).

But this time, I heard that phrase quite clearly. "[E]veryone knows the government can't create jobs."

The implications of this statement are staggering. My first theory was that there was some Law of Conservation of Jobs I didn't know about, which states that for each unemployed person hired by a government, some private firm fires some poor schmuck to balance things out.

But that would be ridiculous.

So the only other option is that if you are paid by the government to do something, you are not actually employed. Think about it! If the government can't create jobs, and the suggestion that jobs are conserved is asinine, what other explanation is there?

This is terrifying. Suddenly, all the grad students I know who are supported on NSF grants are unemployed.

The friendly lady at the DMV? She has no job!

The construction workers I saw replacing the median barrier on the highway? Shiftless, jobless, hobos.

Oh, no.

I work for a state university.

Since my job is new, and it is paid for with public funds, and the government cannot create jobs, I myself must be uneployed! Quid pro facto! Ipso nunc ergo!

If you'd like to help me through the stress of my sudden philosophical unemployment, I accept cash, checks, and major credit cards.

Dr. Seuss, et al.

Elsevier publishing has just released a list of upcoming books authored and edited by the Seuss group at Dartmouth College. Titles include:

Applied Combinatorics and Problem Solving in the "Multiple Hat" Problem of B. Cubbins.
If I Ran the Zoo: Biodiversity in the Age of Genetic Engineering
Yertle the Turtle's Social Theories of Revolution and Rebellion
HoP on POP - Catalytic Holmium Phosphines and Degradation of Persistent Organic Pollutants
Case Studies in Subspecies Overlap and Horizontal Gene Transfer in the Asian Star-Bellied Sneetch
Horton Heard A Who - Vestibulocochlear Nerve Degradation in Loxodonta africana pharaonensis

These volumes can be found wherever fine literature is sold.