How to Feng Shui your Posters: A Simple Guide
The poster presentation is a hallowed scientific tradition, dating back to Socrates' presentation of his poster "On the Wisdom of the Wise Men of Athens" at the first Proceedings of the Philosophical Society of Athens conference.
As we all know, it didn't go over so well.
The reason that most posters fail to achieve their world-shaking potential is simple - bad Qi.
Qi, meaning "life energy," is the term for (according to about.com) "the energy that permeates everything around us." The closest equivalent that the West has ever developed would be that of the luminiferous ether, but the ether is widely regarded as a ridiculous, outdated, and unscientific idea. Qi is clearly different, however. It's ancient and mysterious, after all.
You can think of Qi as tiny invisible filaments of
As an aside, it's a good idea to check your office for pointy things, as these tend to accumulate both bad Qi and harmful microwave radiation. Also, make sure your office wasn't the former scene of misery of trauma. Many office buildings are constructed on accumulators of Sha Qi, like former cult compounds, slaughterhouses, and hockey arenas.
To assemble a successful poster, one must simultaneously allow for the smooth flow of good Qi and block bad Qi.
Step 1. Pick Your Colors.
Depending on the subject of your research, you'll need to pick a harmonious color scheme. Choosing the wrong colors can seriously affect the energy of your poster. The chart below can help you select a proper color base for your area of study.
If your area of interest is not on the chart, pick the color that makes you feel the most focused and mellow.If you don't like the color of your discipline, sucks to be you. Qi is a cruel and unforgiving master.
Step 2. Chakra Power
The next thing you need to pay close attention to are your poster's chakras. Chakras are vortices of light that feed the chi into and out of your poster. You can identify the location of the chakras in several ways.
The most reliable is to simply hire a fully licensed and bonded Feng Shui expert to examine the paper you'll be using beforehand. You'll want to put this expense on your grant, as it can be pricey! Make sure you check your choice out with the local Department of Morbid Voodoo before hiring them - you wouldn't want to end up with some charlatan that didn't know what they were doing!
If you yourself are a fourth level sensitive or greater, you can scry the location of the chakras personally. You'll need a willow rod, some incense, a cup of green tea, and a spotter (in case you get over your head). More detailed instructions are available at your local Healing and Wellness center.
For the rest of us, the easiest method is to use ants. Ants are naturally attracted to Qi-flow, and will collect around the chakras of a poster. You'll need a fairly large amount of ants (2-3,000) - I'd recommend attracting them to your poster with small pieces of candy or all-natural organic jam. Once the ants have settled onto the poster, mark the chakra locations with a pencil. Thank the ants for their service and then gently return them outdoors.
Step 3. Layout
The layout of your poster is determined by its chakras. Each piece of paper has its own character, and as such, no two posters will look alike. Take, for example, this image, which represents the chakras discovered on a typical piece of printer paper.
As you can see, the chakras have been numbered from 1 to 7, according to size. Each piece of paper will have seven chakras, which correspond to the seven spiritual centers of the human body. The equivalencies are shown in the chart below.
In order to maximize your good chi, follow this procedure - it's as easy as 1, 2, 3!
1. Place your text/figures in the appropriate location on the poster.
2. Ensure that your text is color-coded appropriately (the title is red, the introduction is yellow, etc.)
3. Apply the color scheme that matches your discipline to the background of the poster.
Here are two versions of a simple poster that was recently presented at the annual meeting of the Society for Alternative-Minded Scientists. The first is the poster as it would normally have been assembled, by a standard western-thinking scientist.
It's easy to see why this poster induces feelings of dis-ease. The title and discussion sections are disconnected, and so appear flat and listless. The Material and Methods section, rich in green heart energy, is placed over the Crown and Root chakras, "shorting out" the energy contained there. The Third Eye is blocked by the introduction, preventing sha qi from draining.
And now, the poster after its chi has been optimized using our method.
Notice how the first poster seizes your gaze, almost violently. This is greatly in contrast to the soft smooth visual embrace of the second version, which allows your eyes to skip gently over each section in a natural and orderly manner. Sha qi, introduced by those who would be critical of this work, is quickly drained through the Third Eye.
Step 4. Printing the Poster
A common newbie mistake is to assume, at this point, that the chi of the poster has been "set," and that it may be printed without any further attention to metaphysical detail.
That couldn't be more wronger.
Recent research has proven that the tiny particles present in printer inks can "imprint" the chi of their environment onto paper when they dry. Forensic mediums can often identify the date, time, and emotional investment put into a document simply by analyzing residual chi patterns in ink, in much the same way that you can tell how old a cow is by cutting it in half and counting the rings.
If the energy of the printing environment is too negative, you can actually invert the polarity of your paper, leading to derision and criticism. What should you do? It's as easy as ONE, two three (without the two and the three).
Orientation, Negativity, and Energy.
1. Orientation
It's a common mistake to orient the printer so that it faces north/south. The most important factor in capturing good energy in the printer ink is the orientation of the axis along which the printer head moves. Orienting the printer east/west insures that the ink collects the maximum amount of meridional energy from the Earth's magnetic field.
2. Negativity
In the average office, there are over 35 sources of negative energy. Angry staff, unpaid bills, bureaucratic miasma. The best way to deal with this is to take the plotter/printer out to a pristine field, or a babbling brook.
However, this can often become inconvenient, since the average mountain stream lacks electrical outlets. When the printer must remain indoors, try to be as nice to it as possible. Play soothing music. Stroke it gently. Burn incense. As it how its day is going. You can never be too careful!
3. Energy
Ensure all outlets are properly grounded, and that the printer is plugged into an adequate surge suppressor. Power surges or outages caused by storms or improper wiring can seriously damage sensitive electronic equipment.
Step 5. Present!
I have led you as far as I can, grasshopper. Now, you are on your own. Your work must stand for itself, judged mercilessly by your peers. So, as you wait for them, clad only in traditional shamanistic robes, levitating several inches above the floor in the lotus position, the words of Dongshan Shouchu when asked "What is Buddha?"
Dongshan replied, "Three pounds of flax."
Namaste.
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