David over at Law, Legislation, and Lunacy has a post up that examines the peculiar relationship between Santa and his workforce, the elves. Entitled "Santa the Slaver," it is not particularly flattering towards the Big Man of Christmas.
But can you really blame him for being suspicious of Santa's means? Santa almost by definition lacks transparency, he (as David points out) has no income, and is located in a peculiar part of the world. In addition to that, he commands a vast and completely invisible surveillance network which he uses to determine the behavior of every single Christmas-celebrating child on the planet. Whether he is evil or benign, Santa is not doing himself any favors here.
However, upon considering Santa's odd behavior, two alternative explanations sprung to mind concerning the elves.
The first was what I'll call the Willy Wonka model. Yes, the North Pole hardly seems like an ideal habitat for the elves - but what if where they originally came from was even worse? Wonka rescued the Oompa-Loompas from near-starvation, and pays them in food and lodging. He keeps the factory toasty hot for them, despite the fact that temperatures above 65° can have extremely adverse effects on chocolate manufacturing.
So it could be with Santa and the elves - the elves provide labor for Santa's factories in exchange for food, lodging, and protecting them from the poachers that grind them up to make premium glitter for the wealthy.
Upon further thought, I actually favor a second option; that Santa and his elves are actually two aspects of one superentity.
Think of the parallels between Santa's Workshop and the average termite colony: thousands of workers toiling away with unmatched speed and efficiency, coordinated as small parts of a single organism; an organism that happens to have a massive and distended abdomen. The colony could be milennia old, having originated in the Arctic regions when they were tropical.
These lines from the Night Before Christmas seals the deal for me:
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
The compound eyes of an insect can act as small retroreflectors, resulting in twinkling. The fontanelle (or frontal gland pore) of a termite could easily be mistaken for a "dimple" in low light.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf
Santa himself is an elf! This accounts for the difference between Santa and the elves; they're actually small industrious "worker" elves, and the larger "queen" Santa-type elves.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; [...] And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself; A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
This passage describes Santa's ability to emit soothing pheremones, probably from his frontal gland port. The "smoke" the author sees is signaling chemicals emitted by Santa to soothe any would-be attackers. The "pipe" is probably an extension of Santa's mandibles, mistaken for a friendly, harmless object in the dim light and while under the influence of Santa's home-spun hallucinogens.
So, "queen"Santa Elves visit homes every year, leaving gifts made out of useless (to them) wood, plastic, and metal. In exchange, they are offered calorie and nutrient-rich cookies and milk to fortify them for the difficult task of birthing the next generation of "worker" elves.
So when children ask you what Santa does with the rest of the year, you can tell them:
He hides in a network of subterranean arctic caverns, laying eggs out of which millions of mandibled, multi-limbed drones will someday hatch to make wooden horses and high-end consumer electronics for the children of the world.
Ah, wintertime. The days grow short, the air grows cold, and otherwise-sane people completely lose their minds.
For instance - take this very post you're reading right now. Did you know, that by calling this season "wintertime," I have committed the gravest of sins against America Herself? Of course, it might not be entirely my fault - I may have just had my poor brains addled by the Political Correctness Police, whose sole holiday (damn it, did it again!) mission is to ensure that retailers, government, and EVERYONE ELSE burns the visage of Christmas from the face of our society.
Now, you might be foolish enough to believe that retailers, for instance, are just choosing to offer generic holiday wishes to their customers because they shouldn't be so presumptuous as to assume that they are all Christians who celebrate Christmas. I'm not a business expert, but I gather that the general operating principle here is that alienating customers is not a commercially productive activity.
However, a select group of brave culture warriors has chosen to intercalate itself between poor, defenseless Christmas and those that would cram a lemon meringue pie of tolerance, multiculturalism, and rat poison into the face of baby Jesus.
Fear not, Christmas! Focus on the Family to the rescue!
Fear that you or your family might contribute to the inevitable collapse of society? Sick of blatant commercial pandering to demographics that are not your own?
Dobson and the rest of the monkey house down in Colorado Springs have compiled a useful website that reports rankings of retailers based on the percentage of users that have had "Christmas-friendly," "Christmas-negligent," or "Christmas-offensive" experiences.
At the time that I'm writing this, Bass Pro Shops is (are?) in the lead, with a whopping 98% friendly rating.
Let's read some of the reviews:
It's great to see them use the word "Christmas" in their ads.
If you visit this website, you'll see this a lot. It seems that, contrary to popular understanding (and to paraphrase a popular saying), "advertising is the reason for the season."
They were very friendly, and helpful, but the most important thing is as I left they did say Merry Christmas.
Staff take note - wishing someone "Merry Christmas" is more important than being friendly or helpful. I recommend you replace your holiday cheer with a good chorus of "Merry Christmas."
Bass Pro Shops are part the fabric that make up this good Christan Nation. ...
Gloria in Excelsis Bass Pro, everybody.
The most negligent retailer at the moment is Lane Bryant (0% friendly, 80% negligent, 20% offensive). Lane Bryant's primary crime? Too much "holiday," not enough "Christmas."
I've never looked at Lane Bryant stuff before. Too bad I won't be getting anything from them, since I do Christmas shopping, and they don't have anything for Christmas!
This commenter raises an excellent point - retailers stand to lose a boatload of money by not informing people that their merchandise is suitable to be given as gifts for Christmas. I mean, if it doesn't say somewhere in their ad that their products make "great Christmas gifts for the whole family," do I really want to take a chance on buying them? After all, I am specifically shopping for Christmas gifts. My friends and family would probably just exchange that "great holiday gift" Watchmen DVD from Best Buy (80% offensive) with a "Christmas stocking stuffer" Watchmen DVD from Wal-Mart (65% friendly). Lane Bryant take note - with this simple omission, you've lost this not-customer's non-business forever.
And now, we'll have to enter the dregs. The Retailers of the Damned (and the Jewish). The Christmas Unfriendly.
Best Buy always ranks low with Focus on the Family. Best Buy knows this, because several years ago they were one of the first retailers that requested that their employees not wish anyone greetings based on any religious observance, which they clearly had no right to do.
Best buy also knows that it has lost the business of Christians forever, so it had better aim its soulless cannons of marketing at other groups. It has the pagans and the sun-worshipers with "Happy Holidays," and the Jews with "Happy Hanukkah." They have the athiests with their sinfully low prices. This year, even Muslims got targeted, by an advertising circular wishing everyone a Happy Eid al-Adha. In fact, a Best Buy spokesperson said the following:
"We respect that diversity and choose to greet our customers and employees in ways that reflect their traditions," said spokeswoman Lisa Svac Hawks in a written statement. "In addition to Happy Eid, you will see greetings of Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa and Feliz Navidad in various Best Buy communications during the holiday season."
What?! Merry Christmas?! They are TAINTING Christmas by combining it with those other holidays. It's as if they've taken a big pot and MELTED TOGETHER all of these different cultural traditions, which is probably the least American thing I have ever heard of, ever.
And they still won't wish you a Merry Christmas in the store (or a Happy Hanukkah or a Joyous Kwanzaa or a Happy Eid, but those don't matter - this is America).
And the Stand for Christmas crowd agrees.
The ad that pointed out the foreign holiday but failed to recognize the Christmas season has caused my family to avoid Best Buy. We, too, have spent thousands of dollars there in the last 3 years - computers, cameras, etc.. but I am now asking around for a better place to do our technology shopping.
No Eid al-Adha in America, nope nope. That there's a foreign holiday.
I gave them negative feedback on a camera I had ordered. In the same e-mail, I asked about using Merry Christmas. The response was "some other people do not celebrate Christmas and we do not want to offend them. So we use Happy Holidays, not Merry Christmas".
Bastards.
My husband and I spoke with several staff members when making a fairly large purchase. Everyone was polite and helpful, but no acknowledgement of what holiday we're celebrating was ever mentioned. It was a disppointing and insulting.
These salespersons should have taken the advice given to the Bass Pro folks. Being polite and helpful only earns you a "disappointing and insulting" rating these days.
Surprisingly, however, Best Buy isn't at the top of Focus' naughty list. That honor goes to the Gap, which is a whopping 82% offensive. Holy heresy, Batman!
Look at some of the horrible, awful things that the Gap has been up to:
I will NOT buy anything else from GAP (which I am a HUGE fan of). By ignoring Christmas and offering "Happy Solstice," a WICCAN witch-warlock acknowledged dedicated day, they have GROSSLY OFFENDED not only ME but the MAJORITY of Americans. I will get the word out to others as well.
Wiccan-witch-warlocks take note - polar fleece is great for outdoor rituals, and the Gap is willing to offend 155 million people (51% of Americans) to attract your business.
The commercials are horrendous. They are completely uncalled for and are most definitely a defiant attack on Christmas....
I wholeheartedly agree. This commercial is an affront to human dignity, and my optic nerves are forever soiled by the photons it has emitted.
Plus, the dam song has been stuck in my head since November.
Moving on...
I could have tolerated Hannakuh and Kwanzaa. But solstice, really? By attempting to please all, you alienate most. Congratulations.
I know how this reviewer feels. It's bad enough that we have to put up with all these consonant-filled nonsense holidays; now we need to pretend that the solstice is part of some sort of meaningful cultural tradition?
And, last but not least:
I'm a manager at a Gap store. As a Christian I feel condemned by reading some of your comments. We're allowed to say Merry Christmas. Please understand that Gap is a business not a church and we have Jews, Muslims, Atheists, and Christians who come into our store. I cannot assume everyone are Christians. The Sunday "church crowd" that comes in is so much more rude and mean than any other time of the week. Please use courtesy and know that you are a representation of Christ even when you shop. Please be nice, retail workers need Christ too!
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